Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: I am a mom of three children all under the age of five. I know when my family walks into a restaurant, I can feel people stare at us and I know they are thinking, “Please don’t sit them by me!” I’m not the type of Mom that thinks my children are perfect. They are not and they show the world that when we eat out. Does that mean we can’t go out until they are teenagers?
A: Bless your heart! If anyone reading this has a child then they know exactly what you are talking about and it’s not any fun. I’ve talked before about people in restaurants doing the double shift, switching off with the kids to slurp down your meal and get out as soon as possible. Kids love going out to eat and kids hate being left out. This will take work on your part if you really want to change their behavior without going to the bathroom in every restaurant and having a serious “talk” with your child. Tell them, “I’ll be glad to take you all out to your favorite restaurant when I feel like I don’t have to worry about you guys misbehaving.” Keep in mind this will probably work with 3 year-olds and up. Go out without them a few times. Make a big deal about how much fun you had. Then give them another chance. If it doesn’t work out just have someone on standby to come get them when it goes south. Don’t give up, it gets better and if the other people don’t like it ….let them leave! You have every right to be there. I’m just saying.
Q: My son is in kindergarten and he has been having “bathroom accidents.” I’m not sure what is going on. Sometimes at home he will have an accident on occasion. He did not attend preschool. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. But I feel terrible for him. I know it has to be embarrassing. Any advice?
A: I work in an elementary school and this is quite common in young children. My first piece of advice would be to go see your child’s pediatrician to rule out anything medically related. There could be a number of minor medical conditions that could be causing the problem. After the medical is ruled out, I would suggest perhaps talking to his teacher and trying to pinpoint what could be causing the problem. If you think about it, your son did not attend preschool and imagine how new this environment must be for him. It could be as simple as he doesn’t know that it is alright to ask the teacher to go to the restroom even when it’s not a bathroom break. Between you and the teacher working together, I feel very confident that it is a problem that will be solved in the near future. Something that you can do on your part is make a HUGE deal out of the days that he doesn’t have any accidents. Start small and say, “If you go all day without having a “bathroom accident” then we will go to the library after school!” Once you get a few good days under your belt, then you can start spacing it out further. “If you can go a whole week without any accidents then you get to pick the movie we watch tonight!” Potty training and school can sometimes be a tricky item for parents, but work together with your doctor, teacher and your child and it will all work itself out.
Q: I have an 11 year-old boy and I don’t think I am going to make it! I want to say it’s hormones, puberty or the universe, but I really don’t know. He has a terrible attitude, angry one minute and hyper the next. I’m not saying I’m the best parent, but I do feel like I try really hard and I just want him to grow up and be the good person I know is somewhere in that body. What else can I do besides send him to military school?
A: I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you! I have a 10 year-old daughter and I’m right there with you. I sometimes think where did my sweet, baby girl go and who is this sassy-pants-wearing preteen? It’s frightening. I most certainly feel your pain. I don’t think I have enough education to give you a proper answer to your question. I don’t know that there is a factual answer, but more than likely it is a combination of everything you mentioned. Hormones…check. Puberty…check. Those are factors that neither you nor I can interfere with and it leaves our hands tied and our heads hurting. I have to try really hard and think back, think way back and try to remember being that young. The influences and surroundings for our children are so different than when we were their age. I think children are exposed to so much more at a younger age than we were and it’s not even their fault. It’s the movies, TV shows, commercials and social media they are exposed to on a daily basis. I’m not saying that it gives them a license to go crazy, but it is something to think about. And when my child is acting in a manner that I find unflattering, I have no problem telling her, “No one wants to be around you when you act like that.” We are all just trying to raise nice, responsible children that people will want to be around. You might try that next time and see what happens. Preteen parents unite!