Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: My son is almost 3 years old. His attitude has been off the charts lately. He was so excited about somewhere we were going and he punched me in the face. I know that he knows this is inappropriate behavior, but I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel as if I am constantly saying no and correcting him. Any suggestions?
A. First…he must have been super excited to hit you in the face. Just to break this problem down, and we don’t really have to say this, but hitting is always wrong. Second, we have to consider that he is a boy and typically boys are a little more aggressive than girls, not that it corrects the situation at all. And finally, I think we sometimes forget to share the “rules of the world” so to speak. After the fact, I’m sure that you discussed or disciplined him so that he knows not to hit you in the face again. At 3 years old, I personally think, we as parents get so busy that we forget to go over the rules of life until something comes up. I would suggest when things are going well and nothing is really going on is when you share a rule or two with your child. You could be watching TV, pause the TV and say, “Hey…Did you know that it’s never ok to hit anybody for any reason?” You could also say, “Did you know that Mommy keeps the toys that you don’t pick up in your room and you have to earn them back from me?” Whatever you want your children to know and the values that you think are important try to share those with them in small doses and when they have not already broken that rule. Of course it doesn’t mean they won’t break it in the future, but if they do you won’t have to spend the time lecturing on why they are in trouble because they will know. I promise. If they can remember that on Friday night you said you are going to take them to McDonalds then they can remember what you allow and what you don’t. Good Luck!
Q. I have a 14-year-old daughter and she is going through a phase or maybe she’s just a typical teenager. The mouth on this child is so sassy and I just want to pull my hair out. We’ve tried taking things away from her and nothing works. I feel like I am always reminding her to do her homework because I don’t want her having bad grades. Help!
A. I am scared of teenagers….LOL. No really, I am a little bit. I can sometimes catch a glimpse of the teenager I am going to have in the distant future and I wonder what I will do. It sounds like to me that you might be a helicopter parent and there is nothing wrong with that and we’ve all been there. A helicopter parent is the parent that is constantly reminding and doing things for the child that they should be doing for themselves. But don’t feel bad. No one wants their child to get bad grades. It’s very difficult to sit back, not remind and watch them get an ‘F’ on an assignment. I can tell you though that letting them make as many mistakes as possible while they are young is the best thing that could happen to them. It will make them care about their grades. One summer spent in summer school could save them a lifetime of other mistakes– big, huge mistakes. I could write on and on about things I would do for your daughter to help you but this column is only so long. On the sassy mouth, I will say that actions speak volumes. Surprises can come in handy. Just a short example, your daughter has big plans for Friday night but she has been mouthing off all week. You say, “I’m going to have to do something about this but I’ll get back with you…try not to worry.” Days go by and when Friday night comes, the plans go bye-bye. “I’m really sorry; I can’t take you to your sleepover tonight. It really drains me when you speak so disrespectfully to me.” Keep in mind, things may get worse before they get better. Hang in there!
Q. I have a 10-year-old girl and I am the mom that never lets her go to sleepovers or run around the neighborhood. My child gets so mad at me sometimes but I just can’t do it. I see other parents and they let their kids go wherever they want and I always wonder how they don’t get hurt or something bad doesn’t happen to them. I know I’m overprotective, but I don’t know how to get out of that habit. Am I wrong?
A. Each parent is going to parent differently. You may be overprotective, while another parent doesn’t watch their child closely enough. We all see people everywhere we go and we think to ourselves, I would never do that or if that were my child, I tell you what! But I think you have to do what is comfortable for you. And you already know that you are a little overprotective and that’s probably the first step in changing. I would recommend taking it slowly. You might try having a few girls for a sleep over at your house. Society, social media and the world itself makes it difficult to let our children do the things that we, as children, probably did. I think that you are headed in the right direction and I think that by giving your child a little more independence as she gets older will eventually get easier for you. It’s a tough thing to do and I don’t think it matters how old they are, we will always be concerned for their safety.