My oldest daughter is a freshman at the University of Kentucky and was beyond excited to join a sorority. She loves it so much that I started to wonder if moms could have our own sororities. Gamma Reading Glasses Alpha? Beta Muffin Top Delta? I could come up with a wicked cool handshake for those gals. I had to come to grips with reality…I am the LEAST classy type of woman God created, so my membership card would probably be shredded by any club registrar.
One day, while at a stoplight plucking my chin whiskers (the sun was just the right angle for perfect magnification), a realization hit me. I need to start a Not Perfect Moms Club! If there is one thing I can boast, it is that I am full of flaws and really have no reservations about sharing them. Surely there are other mommas out there who let their kids eat leftover cupcakes for breakfast, calling them “sweet muffins.” There is absolutely no way that I am alone in my “Tell the nice doctor you always wear your bike helmet and drink milk at every meal” speech before my kids get their yearly physicals.
For me to lead such an esteemed group, I feel like I should explain my three core principles by giving examples of how I have successfully fulfilled them. To be part of NPMC, each mom must:
Enjoy the Humor of a Middle School Boy
My middle daughter had a friend over, and they had baked a cake, thrown it in the oven, set the timer and asked me to pull it out as they went upstairs to do whatever teenage girls do. Being the great mom that I am, I did as I was told. Soon, I started craving the cake and yelled for them to come finish the dessert because I was ready to gorge. Her critical mistake was texting me, “Mom, can you just put some icing on it for us?”
It scares me now to think about how quickly I acted without even pausing to think. I threw on the pink icing and then rooted around in the pantry and found expired sprinkles (how can they really expire?). Instead of whimsically tossing the rainbow goodies, I opted to channel my pre-pubescent boy and decorate it with a magnificent word. You can see from the picture that I am a model mother figure.
Laugh at Yourself
It started simply enough – my family was enjoying a fun lunch at a friend’s home. After eating, we were hanging in their hilly backyard when one of my kids spotted their hammock. It was different than most because it was VERY high. When my daughter said she wanted to try to get up, I said, “Go for it. You’re going to fall and shatter your face, so let me get my camera ready.” Did I also mention I’m a great motivational speaker?
Well, her vault onto the elevated hammock was glorious. Everyone then asked me to go next. I had a choice to make – say no and look like a wimp or give it a try and hope for the best. Like a moron, I chose #2. Phones were set to record, they counted me down, and I jumped super high to compensate for my short stature. I am not a scientist to explain where I went wrong in my velocity/angle/momentum, but I busted it. I landed on my face, bounced, then ended on my face again. Everyone in a 10 mile radius, including me, started laughing hysterically. My tech-savvy and super loving daughter captured the epic fall and has been kind enough to put her own special spin on the event so you can laugh along with us. If you search YouTube “Mom fail: Hammock Edition” you’ll see the video along with her favorite tweets it received. A true NPMC member must follow my lead and have the whole world laugh with you.
Share Your True Self with the World
Let’s be totally honest – our body betrays us as we age and does some funky and weird things. My body (and hopefully yours so you won’t judge me) grows wild and fast-growing hairs. It’s crazy, right? I usually pull them and hope they do not regenerate in the next hour. A few years ago, my entire philosophy changed. I saw one of those psycho hairs on my belly and thought, “Mmmm – I wonder how long that could get?” To make this long, kinda gross/kinda amazing story short, I jumped through all the legal hoops and am officially Guinness’s World’s Longest Abdomen Hair record holder. Some people want to throw up in their mouth when they learn about my honor, but I hope you just want to giggle instead.
Attire for all club meetings will also consist of no zippered bottoms – only sweatpants allowed.