Q & A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: My child just started kindergarten this year and it has not been a pleasant experience. I feel like I did not prepare him or I did something wrong. The teachers say that he cries, acts out and it has not really gotten better yet. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Kindergarten can be a very difficult transition for any child. There is nothing that you did wrong. Some kids transition very well and for others it is harder. The first thing I would advise you to do is talk to his teacher and see what he or she might suggest first. I have worked in elementary schools for 14 years and I have seen many children have a difficult time starting school. It could be that they don’t want to be away from mom or dad, they are not used to such a structured schedule or even as simple as they are very tired and have not adjusted to the demands required of them. I would suggest trying to entice your child with some type of reward system. You could put up a chart and make it fun. Let him put up a sticker or draw a smiley face for every day that he does well in school and at the end of a week he gets to go to his favorite place. It might be that you need to make the goals even smaller and just go day by day. But please don’t feel that it is something you have done because it’s a very common problem. I think if you and the teacher work together that things will eventually get better for both you and your son. Best of luck!
Q: I have an 11-year-old girl and I find myself arguing with her constantly. I am wondering if you think this is a phase? Am I being tested? Because if I am being tested, then I am failing! I don’t know how to stay a parent and not quit worrying if she is mad at me. Help?!
A: I think we are being tested all the time! And I think we all fail every now and again. If you are a parent then you are being tested. It’s nice to think that it’s “just a phase” because it makes us feel like there is an end to it. I do agree that kids go through lots of phases in their lives. I’m not so sure on the arguing being a phase though. I feel like it is kind of like eczema, it comes and goes and has flare ups. You have to pick your battles and take on the issues that are of most importance to you. It is so easy to get mad at your child and then worry that they are mad at you. It’s never a good feeling when someone is mad at us. I think that it is important as parent you stand your ground on certain issues and try not to worry about your child being mad because they won’t stay mad. That’s the important thing to remember– they don’t stay mad. It may feel like they are going to be mad forever because they are very good at it and their skills probably only improve as the teenage years approach. Please keep in mind that if you give in or try to make it up to your child the ground that you are losing will take twice as long to regain if not longer. You want to be the parent that says what you mean and does what you say. Not the parent that gets mad and then takes your child out for ice cream afterwards. Like I said, pick your battles and the ones that really matter need to be taken seriously.
Q: I am writing in as a complete bystander and this may seem like a silly question. What is your opinion on parents that never want their children to misbehave? I am talking about small children. I saw a couple that took turns eating in a restaurant, one would take the child and leave while that parent ate and vice versa. I thought it was crazy. Do you agree with this style of parenting?
A: This is a delicate question to answer because I do not judge other parents because no one knows what another person has to live with and what they go through on a daily basis. I am glad to give advice and hopefully someone reads something that might help them in some small way. I will, however, agree with you in that I am seeing more and more parents who alter situations to fit the child’s needs. It is something to think about as a parent because it teaches children that when something is not going their way, then we will fix it. Life does not work like this and the younger a child can figure out how the real world works the better prepared they will be for life.