40% of married couples with children in the U.S. are stepcouples
By: Melody Wallace
I remember as a little girl I pretended that I was Barbie in the Dream Townhouse. I would plan my dream wedding with Ken, feed our children in the plastic high chair and walker, and wait for him to pull up in the magical Jeep and give me a kiss when he walked through the door. As many times as I created these stories in my imagination, I never dreamt that Ken would someday be replaced by another handsome character, and that some of those precious children in the townhouse would not be my own. With “approximately one-third of all weddings in America today forming stepfamilies,” the modern day version of marriage and family has taken on a new identity. The idea of meeting someone, falling in love, and eventually having children changes drastically when you and the person that you fall in love with each already have your own children. Even though the face of what we refer to as family has changed, our expectations for function and success still remain the same. We want our new little family unit to run in perfect unison almost immediately, when in reality, according to Patricia Papernow, “the average stepfamily needs seven years to create a family identity.” Blending families may not always be easy, but there are ways to help ease the stress and strengthen the new relationships that are forming in your household.
Support Your Spouse
The most important thing that you can do for your family is to support your spouse. Your children may or may not welcome your new spouse or siblings into the home, but that should not affect the strength of your relationship as a couple. Your marriage should set the tone for the family. Ron Deal suggests that, “biological parents and stepparents must work out roles that complement one another and play to each other’s strengths…parents and stepparents must be unified in goals and work together as a team.” By loving each other and standing as a united front in view of your children, they will begin to feel more secure in their roles within the family as well.
Don’t Choose Sides
Just as you must support your spouse in daily decisions, you must also do so when it comes to the lives and discipline of your children, regardless of who the natural parent is. Make sure that you are never tempted to side with your stepchild over your partner. Initially this may seem to improve your relationship with the child, but in the long run it will serve to damage the authority that your partner has as a parent. It can also lead to ineffective discipline at times, as well as serving as a catalyst for destruction concerning the relationship that you have with your spouse. If you happen to disagree on certain discipline issues, do so away from the children.
Have Realistic Expectations
“Stepparents need to learn to relax into their role and not expect too much of themselves…to expect too much of themselves is to set themselves up for disappointment and frustration.” Biological parents also need to be more relaxed and allow the stepparents to form a relationship with their children. It is often difficult to decide what role to take on as a new stepparent. While the stepparent should make an effort to find a common interest with their step children and carve out time to spend with them, they should also allow the children to set the pace for their relationship. When it comes to offering affection or asserting authority, follow the lead of the child, and borrow from the power and wisdom of the biological parent when necessary.
Maintaining Relationships
Although it sometimes may be easier said than done, do your best to maintain a civil relationship with the absent parent, or ex-spouse, in the relationship. Ensuring that you do not speak negatively about this parent when in the presence of your stepchild can only strengthen your relationship in the long run.
As you navigate these new family waters, keep these things in mind: be united, be consistent, be patient, and do your best to make time for each child individually from time to time, regardless of their stature in the home. You are all a family now. Families are made up of a mixture of unique talents and personalities, they are imperfect, and they are grounded in love. Regardless of how your family came to be, there is no reason why your story can’t still read… “and they lived happily ever after.”