Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: My family recently lost our beloved dog of twelve years. My question is regarding my 6-year-old daughter. She and our dog were very close and of course she grew up with him. She was very upset at first and now she seems fine. Is that normal? I am still having a terrible time with the loss and she wants to talk about getting a puppy!
A: This is actually a great question and much more common than you would think. I have been a trained grief counselor for almost ten years now and I have seen this over and over. Children are very resilent and they bounce back from traumatic events much quicker than adults. They bounce back so quickly that it can lead us to wonder if they are ok. I have actually been through this same scenario with my own child a few years ago. I thought to myself, “she didn’t love our dog!” and “what kind of child am I raising?” LOL! Grief is such an individualized event and no two persons ever grieve in the same manner. The important thing to remember when it comes to children is they live in the here and now. I have no doubt that your daughter loved your family dog with all her heart. As a parent, the most important thing you can do for her is to make sure she is all right, explain what happened depending on how detailed you want to go with their age and be there if and when they have questions. And . when . they start asking about another dog, which I know from personal experience hurts your soul, just know that to them a puppy seems like the perfect fix. No disrespect to the beloved family pet. Just remember every life event is an opportunity to teach them a life lesson. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s never easy to lose one of our furry family members.
Q: My-and-a-half year old daughter is a runner. She wants to run when she gets out of the car. She wants to run in parking lots. I really don’t want to put her on one of those leash things for kids but it has gotten really bad lately. Do you have any suggestions before I have to put a harness on her?
A: I love this question because I used to live this question. I was at the Love and Logic© Institute and I actually asked one of the creators of the program this very question. I can’t mess around when it comes to the safety of my child and I had a hard time seeing where this program would help with this situation. He said that safety is always top concern. He did however give me an idea and I couldn’t wait to get home and try it. There was a little prep work that was brief involving a pony tail. For boys…unfortunately I don’t think this would work. So we are in the car at Wal-Mart and I tell my daughter that she can either hold my hand or I can hold her pony tail. She gives me the strangest look and in her sassiest of voices she says, “Hold my pony!” and I agreed. Here we are walking into the store with me holding onto her hair and people totally staring at us. She was so embarrassed by the time we made it in the store. She looked at me and said, “Next time I will hold your hand, OK?” By giving her the choice, I wasn’t the bad guy and if she tried to dart I had the pony tail and could pull her back if need be. I’m not opposed to leashes either. I know they look hilarious and a little degrading but if it saves your child’s life, I’m all for it.
Q: Now that school is back in session how do I get my very easily distracted child to do homework? Spelling is the worst. He won’t sit still and is constantly moving. I want him to make good grades but I’m near my point already. How do I make him care?
A: It’s really hard for kids to get back into the swing of things after having such a nice, long summer. It’s really hard for parents to get back into helping with homework too. Something I have told several parents before in my parenting classes is you have to motivate your children to want to do well. You have to make it fun for them. This is not an easy task to make spelling a blast. What I have done before is tell the child that if they learn all their words and we feel like they really know them all that they can give me a spelling test. What child doesn’t want to test an adult on anything?! Now when it’s my turn to take the test, I always do poorly and I sometimes even draw an animal or write a number for my answer. Then the child gets to grade my paper. It’s always fun and they love to mark all my answers wrong and give me a big, fat F! I’ll take an F any day if it makes them get an A!