By: Gail E. Kirkland
A painted barn quilt and crystal blue in-ground pool sit among the rolling green hills and deeply shaded lawn, which is home to a tree swing, playhouse and a plethora of well-used toys. Their homeplace speaks a quiet, warm, come-on-in welcome.
Before I could ask a single question, she whetted my appetite for fostering children and creating incredible memories of a life well lived, a life devoted to helping others. Her granddaughter, Isabelle, and husband, Brad, popped in shortly after I arrived. Then the youngest adopted son, Jack, made his way to the kitchen table with a big bowl of cereal. She began flipping through a photo album of family trips to their little cabin at Lake Nolin. The central theme: children, children, children running, playing, kayaking, eating, enjoying nature and family time. My senses were on overload from the moment I stepped into the warmth of their side porch, greeted by Khaki, one of two family cats who have full roam of the home and surrounding 5 acres. “I could never have had children as wonderful as mine. If I’d had biological children, they’d probably all be ugly and dumb,” said Valli Rigling, with a sheepish giggle.
Thirty-six years ago she and Brad fostered their first child. An elder at their church in St. Louis captured Valli and Brad’s hearts for fostering, asking them to stay with their foster child while they were gone overnight. They were hooked. Soon, they opted to become foster parents. “We can do this,” Valli told Brad. That’s understatement at its best. Mary Beth was their first foster child, a 2-year-old, who had been living in a car and whose clothes were so dirty that they could stand alone. From then on, it has literally been one child after another—often several at the same time. “So much we’ve learned, we’ve learned by doing, and we’ve asked for God’s guidance along the way . . . And we’ve learned what we’re good at, and what’s good for our family . . . you have to be in agreement within the family to do this. You have to consider the children (both those already in the home and those coming there),” Valli said. The Riglings have five adopted children: Daniel (37), Julie (35), Christopher (28), Sam (20) and Jack (14).
They have fostered children ranging from hours-old babies to a 17-year-old single mom with two children. “My favorite is babies. If they called me today with a baby, I’d say, ‘yes’,” Valli said. The legacy continues. Julie has also begun fostering children. As a child, Julie once urged her parents to help needy children on TV. She looked at her mom and said, “Let’s go get them!” Isabelle, 11, eagerly and affectionately jumped into the interview to talk about some of her family’s foster children, fondly telling stories and naming at least ten.
“We try to keep a balance on it. If you try to save the world in one week, you’re going to burn out,” Valli said.” You’ve got to know when to rest, too . . . but we’ll keep on doing it if for anything but to give others a respite,” Valli said. “Some do respite and end up fostering. Then they go back to respite. It’s a cycle. Everybody can do something.” She suggests respite for those who are considering fostering, but may have concerns or fears about doing so.
So what avenue did they pursue for fostering? The Riglings went through the Kentucky state adoption agency, and they have been very satisfied with that experience. Many private agencies also exist in Owensboro, but all children originate with the state. Brad and Valli choose to do everything for the children themselves, without leaning on the state helpers for taking the children to appointments, etc. They try to incorporate the foster children into the everyday lives of their family, rather than isolate them. As she explained, children come from bad situations or they wouldn’t need foster care. “When I see a child, I remind myself daily that that’s not my child; it’s somebody else’s. It’s a privilege for me to be able to love them for those parents. The parents aren’t able to, or they would. Everybody loves their kids. I haven’t met a parent who doesn’t love their kids. They just don’t know how to parent, because they weren’t parented,” Vali said. She explained that often the parents need exactly what the kids need: to be loved.
Valli acknowledged that there have been times that they had seven or eight kids in the house, including their own. She told a sweet story of her dad visiting years ago and asking, “Where did these little fellers come from?” Some few weeks after, he was asking, “Where did those little fellers go?” It wasn’t about the numbers with the Riglings. They just wanted to make an impact one at a time, hoping their efforts would “ripple out in the children’s lives,” Valli said.
“Where are y’all going?” About midway through the interview, Jack and Isabelle bounded outside to take the golf cart for a little ride. Valli quietly but firmly cautioned them to be extra careful, just as we moms tend to do. Then, she resumed our interview.
Those who are interested in becoming a foster parent should first contact the state. They disseminate information about when the next fostering classes will begin. Classes include a 9-week training session, 3 hours once a week for 9 weeks. Valli helps teach some of these classes. “Although you may be a parent, you learn to think about these kids differently, because these are other people’s children,” she said. Police and background checks, along with a health screening and a home study are part of the application process. After successful training, as needs arise, families are notified by phone of foster care requests. Six hours of continuing education/training are required annually of experienced foster parents: 3 classroom hours and 3 online hours. Foster families receive a $22 daily reimbursement from the state, which is paid monthly, and a medical card to offset personal expenses. Foster children who are medically fragile receive an added reimbursement.
Valli emphasized that each child needs their space, their own bed and a dresser at the least. Their five-bedroom home has often been filled, with beds added as needed. “My goal is to provide a safe place for the child, and just hope that they can go home . . . I want families united,” Valli said. Concurrent planning places a child that may be facing termination of rights in a home that is basically fostering to adopt.
Occasionally, emergency calls for foster placement come at night and they need someone right then. “We’ll take almost anybody on emergency placement, because we know they are trying to find them a place without it being permanent.” She recalled getting such a call for a boy, whose family had been jailed that night, but they were released the next morning and the young boy was reunited with them the next day.
Valli has also taken a role in encouraging others to foster. She has employed the same techniques that her St. Louis minister used: Invite those who may be interested in fostering to come see it in action at their home.
It’s not all fun and games. Fostering comes with its challenges. Those challenges could be grouped into three main areas: Assimilation, helping the child find their place; Visiting, providing time for the child with their birth family; Leaving, dealing with the emptiness once they leave the foster home. To facilitate assimilation, Valli tries to reassure the child so that they do not feel like the odd man out. “I tell them they are not a foster child; they are a child in a foster home,” Valli said. She went on to explain that visiting is hard on the child and the foster parents, often riddled with disappointment. Lastly, leaving creates a void for the foster parents. “There’s a hole; nobody replaces that. Life’s never quite the same,” she said with great tenderness, her eyes reaffirming the emotion.
Nonetheless, the rewards are great—but so individual. “You look at them from the way they walked in to the way they walked out . . . and they walk in scared, just angry, afraid—all the things that you would be if you were ripped from your parents. And to see them get to be trusting, to be happy, rested, and well fed, because sometimes when things are a mess in the home the kids are the last thing to be considered . . . That’s just the way it is, and I’m not judging, because I’ve never walked in those shoes,“ Valli said. One of the first things children tend to do is to look around and ask what’s to eat. Sitting on a hand-painted stool (one of Valli’s many artistic creations) in the kitchen, I sense that food has a prominent place in the Rigling home.
Isabelle and Jack return disgruntled with one another. More parenting ensues.
“I could picture my life being like this since I was a child, because I always pictured my house being overrun with people—a house with elastic walls. We have always had an open house, but with boundaries,” Valli said. Have you kept a tally of how many children you have fostered? No surprise. She has not. Valli’s best guestimate is in excess of 140 foster children.
The Sibling Side
How would you describe your experience with foster children in your home?
“So, I guess my experience growing up with foster kids, I’d say it was never a dull moment. My parents usually had a rule that they wouldn’t take any kids older than Daniel and I, so the majority of them were babies or toddler age. Some came and went quickly, others stayed for years. I clearly remember some, others not so much. I don’t think I ever knew what it was like to not have foster siblings in the home. Although Daniel and I were their adopted children, I felt like I had hundreds of siblings. The laws were different when I was younger and some of the kids stayed with us for years which made it really hard when they left. I clearly remember going to school one morning knowing the baby girl who had been staying with us for over a year was going home that day. I completely fell apart at school. Same thing with Christopher – who is now my “brother” as far as I’m concerned, but I went to church camp shortly after he left after 6 years with us and I just broke down one night. I think I learned to guard my heart a little after those, tried to distance myself a little from then on and not let myself get so attached to them. I know it was a lesson in humility and made me see how lucky I was to have such loving parents.”
–Julie Salisbury
“For me, having foster kids in the house was something that I had experienced since I could remember. It was the norm. I guess on some level I knew that there weren’t many people that had other kids living in their house, but I never really thought about it that much. Depending on the age and temperament of the kids who were fostering with us, sometimes it was awesome to have an additional playmate around, while other times the kids were a real nuisance.”
—Daniel Rigling
“As a foster child myself, I always felt a deep sense of belonging. There were times kids would come and go but while they were in the home it was just fun having them as part of the family. The experience to me was very shaping in seeing and experiencing the impact of having a place of safety and security.”
—Chris Bratcher
What stands out in your mind about that experience?
“The one thing that stands out to me is that I always felt proud that my parents were foster parents. I don’t remember ever telling anyone that, but I definitely felt it, and still do.”
—Daniel Rigling
“I just remember that there was always something fun going on. I can still picture tons of us kids swimming together or circled around the table together. It just felt like home for so many kids!”
—Chris Bratcher
“I think the thing that stands out most to me was how my parents would just open their home with loving arms, complete unconditional love. They are wonderful Christian people and practiced the scriptural command of taking care of the widows and orphans. They took care of kids with special needs, with injuries resulting from abuse, with attitudes and with all kinds of personalities without batting an eye. They are the reason why my husband and I keep foster kids now. My dad is one of the most kind-hearted men I know and I hope he was able to instill in the kids what kind of person a true father is. My mom was born on Valentine’s Day and I know God planned it that way because she has a heart like none other and poured out her love into the kids they kept.”
–Julie Salisbury