Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: My 6-year-old son is in kindergarten and we have had a rough go of it. He gets in trouble all the time. I’ve done time outs. I have spanked him. I just don’t know how to address it and I’m going a little crazy. Help me?!!
A: Well that sounds just awful. I’m sure that you are doing your very best but it’s still frustrating. Different things work for different kids. I don’t think there is a magic formula out there. In my experience of working with children and teaching parenting classes, I have figured out that sometimes it takes a lot of work just to find out what your child loves. I know it may sound awful but you’ve got to dig deep and figure out what he loves the most and that will be your most powerful tool. And sometimes you have to think outside the box. It might not be a favorite toy, a TV show or outside play time. It could be spending time with a favorite person, a favorite restaurant or an upcoming movie. You could do a reward chart with stickers and start small. If you have one good day, then we go get ice cream and make the rewards bigger as you go. If you go three days, then we go to the big park downtown. And when he does have a good day, act like a fool. I want you to shout it from the rooftop and love all over that baby! Kids want attention and they will take it in any form, negative or positive. But what a better world it is when we can shower our kids with positive attention! Start small and I bet the victories will pile up for you!
Q: I have a 4-year-old daughter and every time we walk into a store she wants me to buy her a toy of some sort. She doesn’t necessarily throw a fit but it’s tiresome always saying no and she doesn’t understand that we can’t afford it. I am looking for a better way to approach this situation. Any ideas?
A: It’s never too early to talk money with children in my opinion. It’s never too early to prepare children for the real world either. You aren’t going to have a deep, philosophical conversation with her but she can begin to understand the value of a dollar. And she can earn some of her own money too by contributing to helping around the house. Children feel empowered when you give them real life information. They love to pay for their own things with their own money. It’s great for their self-esteem and confidence. In my parenting classes, we always say it is way better for a child to understand the value of money when they are little versus when they are 16 and get their first paycheck and they want to know who took all their money! LOL!
Q: I have a 13-year-old daughter and my question is about weight and health. Sometimes I feel that I set a bad example for her. I work late and I don’t eat till late. She wants to eat again when I eat and she thinks she can eat the same way I do. The last thing I want is for her to be overweight. What can I do to improve this situation?
A: This is a difficult question because if you are working nights and you don’t get home till later in the evening, I’m sure you are hungry. But I see your predicament with not wanting your child to follow in the same pattern. You can’t help it but you don’t want her eating two dinners. At this age and at any age children will mimic what they see us do. It is sometimes a huge weight that we carry as parents. Our children will grow up and do the things that we do because we are their biggest role models. In this particular situation, I would suggest you talk to your child about portion control and how much she might need to fuel her body. It could be that she just wants to spend time with you while you are eating and she feels she needs to eat in order to do that. You could offer her a couple of healthy snack options, like grapes, vegetables, a sugar-free popsicle or fruit. Tell her that these are the choices she can have if she wants to eat something after dinner. I think it’s good for kids her age to just keep a check on their weight. It is not too early to show them a BMI chart and see where they are on it and how important it is for their health that they try to stay in that range. Keeping a healthy weight is so hard and if it were easy we would never see any issues with it. So my advice is to model good behavior. Try to get yourself and your kids active and try to eat things that are good for you. Just the fact that you are concerned shows that you care and you will do right by your child.