Q&A with Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: As a mom to a toddler (my daughter is just 16 months old), how can I best, most effectively deal with tantrums?
A: The 16-month-old tantrum can come on like a tornado on a hot summer day. Tantrums by definition are power struggles. Children will act out in order to see if this will cause a change in the parental unit. Especially at such a young age when verbal skills are limited, the tantrum might be the only means of letting you know how they feel. Tantrums happen because the child did not get his or her way. In my opinion the best, most effective way to deal with tantrums is to make sure you stick to your guns. If it is a case where you said no then make sure that does not turn into a yes. You can put the child in time-out. In this case a play pen could be very effective. You can remove the child from the situation or remove the offending object as well. Perhaps the child wants something or won’t leave an object alone, you can remove the object and place it somewhere where the child can see it but it not able to get it. Just keep in mind that a tantrum is about control and as your child gets older, you as a parent can continue to build on the idea of No means No! The tantrum can break us down and make us start to lose all rational thought. Every time you give in to a tantrum your words lose power. People play slot machines over and over thinking the next pull of the handle and they will win. Children throw tantrums with the same thought process wondering when you as a parent will give in and they win. I know it’s difficult but stay strong and the tantrums will become less frequent because the child will know you mean what you say.
Q: I have a 12-year-old daughter that is very stubborn. I find myself arguing like I’m back in middle school. How can I effectively talk to her when she is like this instead of yelling and screaming because that makes it worse?
A: My child can be stubborn sometimes and my first piece of advice is to pick your battles. Sometimes it is just not worth the fight to argue over something that is not important. But they suck you in and before you know it, you are arguing over a math problem that you know the the right answer to and they don’t believe you. Never tell a stubborn child what to do, tell them what YOU are going to do. When you tell a stubborn child what to do it alerts some part of their brain to disengage and do the opposite. Instead you describe what you’re willing to do or allow. In the Love and Logic Program® this is called enforceable statements. Here is an example, “I’ll be happy to do the things I do for you when I feel treated with respect,” or “You may go online as long as I’m around to supervise.” By using these types of statements you can take the arguing out of the equation. One thing I want you to remember is the only thing you can control is yourself. I know it’s hard and can be so frustrating at times. Stop telling them what to do and start telling them what you are going to do.
Q: My son is 11 and he will be in middle school this fall. I have highly encouraged him to try out for basketball, choir, or any extracurricular activity. He says he is not interested and he might do it next year. I’m thinking he needs this for his future and it will help him make friends. Should I push him more or let it go?
A: I will have a middle schooler this fall too! I hear you! I’ve been doing the same thing. I feel like you and think that if they are on the basketball team then, it will somehow help them wade the unknown waters that is middle school. I think we all do this if we have kids. We want them to have lots of friends and we want them to be involved in lots of activities. It’s funny because I was just thinking about this situation the other day. Owensboro is a sports town. And I think when we have kids, our lives overlap to what they have going on. But some kids are just not interested in sporting activities. And for us as parents, this is a hard pill to swallow because as hectic and crazy as it can get, we love all those activities. There’s nothing better than watching your kid excel at a sporting event. We are filled with pride. I don’t think you should push him. I think if they want to play a sport, they will tell us. I know it’s hard to sit back and let them wade the waters but it’s part of growing up. And I think once your child has the lay of the land his own interest will shine through. Best of luck!