By: Christina Dalton, MSSW, CSW
Q: I don’t ask my kids to do a bunch of stuff. They have lots of homework and they are involved in sports. The only thing I ask them to do is keep their rooms cleaned and put their clothes in the hamper. It doesn’t happen. I’ve yelled, taken things away and grounded them. They do not care. Any ideas?
A: You are not asking them to do much and they should at least be able to put the clothes in the hamper, especially since you are doing the laundry. I had a parent a while back that had this problem. She said, “I wash the clothes that make it in the hamper.” Well the clothes didn’t make it in the hamper. She took those clothes and put them back in their drawers dirty and wrinkled. And one day her daughter needed her cheer outfit and it was rank smelling. She freaked out on her mom and the mom said, “I wash the clothes that make it in the hamper.” After that the clothes made it in the hamper!
Q: I have three kids ranging in age from 6 to 14 and I worry sometimes because I don’t feel like I parent like most other people. I don’t push my kids to be in every sport. I don’t give in when things get too hard. And I don’t really care if I am “friends” with my children. I am their parent. I feel like a minority on these issues. Am I?
A: I love this question! And yes, I do think you are probably in the minority but it’s a good minority if you are asking my opinion. This question has come up a lot lately because Kelly Ripa said, “I’m not my child’s friend, I’m her mom.” And it caused a lot of people to think that this was a rather harsh statement. I personally agree with you. I mean most parents want their kids to like them. That is normal. But it’s those parents that put this notion aside and look at the bigger picture that I find are more successful in the parenting department. Being a parent is a job and one should look at it as it is my job to teach this person to be a good person and prepare them for how to live in the real world. Life is a series of problems and it is our job to teach our child how to solve problems. Show them. Be that role model every chance you get. Of course we want to fix everything but that isn’t realistic. As long as you are still having fun while doing all of this I think you are on the right track, so don’t doubt yourself.
Q: My 12-year-old daughter has had some issues with bullying at her school. I don’t want to tell her the wrong way to handle this. I don’t think that it is anything terribly serious yet, but I want to address it before it comes to that. It has to do with other girls being mean to her. I would appreciate any advice.
A: I recently attended a training on bullying and it had some great information in it. I have been to several trainings on bullying, but it had been awhile and I think it’s something we all need to refresh ourselves on because it is happening every day. I think one of the first pieces of advice we want to give to our children is to defend themselves. In this training, the presenter said it can be very dangerous and we should never tell our kids to fight. He gave several examples where this did not work out and the children were badly hurt. He said that it was very important for our children to have at least one good friend, a couple would be better, but at least one friend. This would reduce the risk that they would be bullied. And the biggest piece of advice was that in order to end the cycle of bullying we must teach our children to point it out and say, “We don’t do that in our school.” As for your daughter, I think it would be good if she pointed it out and called it bullying and if she had other people to back her up as well. I do think that bullying should be taken very seriously and I would not be afraid to bring it to the school’s attention or talk to the guidance counselor, teacher or someone you trust there and let them know. Boy bullying is usually fighting and name calling, but girl bullying is a whole other animal. When girls bully they are manipulative, sneaky, they will have other girls leave that person out socially and all other sorts of terrible acts that can affect a child on an emotional level. I hope this helps.